Anyone who has an attraction or interest in the penis, be it straight women or gay men will tell you that there is not one type or single standard for a penis. Everyone has their preferences, and at the end of the day I can honestly say that I love a pretty penis. When I was younger and inexperienced, I really didn’t know any better, and figured dick was dick. Well, I’d like to think that I’ve reached a point in my life where I’ve seen enough of them to have become somewhat of a penis expert. I for one, totally have penis envy. I would have loved to have been born a man, and have been the proud owner of one of these genius little devices. I know, I know…never use the word ‘little’ and ‘penis’ in the same sentence when referencing a guys manhood. One of the cool functions of the penis is that it can virtually be pulled out at anytime for urination at any location of your choice. There have been times, where I have been in a predicament where there was no bathroom in site and I had to pee. I’m not gonna lie, it has not been often…but what is up with the squat and pee? It just doesn’t work for a woman. Some girlfriends I know have no problem with squatting outdoors and whizzing a straight stream without incident. How the f%&# do they do it? I have given up, as I have found myself beginning the release, and without notice that stream takes a sharp left turn and ends up running down my left leg and all over my Jimmy Choo’s!
Also, many people say that ‘size does not matter’ and that it’s the ‘motion of the ocean’… BULLSHIT! SIZE DOES MATTER! The person who coined that phrase was some dude with a 2 incher in an effort to redeem his manhood. I mean think about it…ain’t no way someone is sailing the 7 seas in a rubber raft…ain’t happening! It’s like trying to bake banana bread without bananas. I need myself some size. But, there is such thing as too big. And I learned this the hard way when I was dating ‘Coke Can’….he got his nickname from his girth, but not length…this thing was literally the size of a football. Well of course like any greedy person we always think more or bigger is better. I took one look at that thing and started singing the Star Spangled Banner… well after I had made the decision that I would try to conquer this quest, we had our first romp in the sack. We’ll skip a few of the immediate details and fast forward to my ride home. I was doubled over in so much pain, my vision was blurred, I literally had to pull over on the side of the highway. Well we all know what happens when we pull over on the shoulder on a main highway at 2am…. ‘sorry officer, I’ll be taking off shortly, I was attacked by a mammoth penis earlier and I believe that perhaps I have a punctured lung’…
There is such a thing as ‘the perfect size’ . It needs to be big enough to enjoy, but small enough for you to try and foolishly poke into places that were meant for exit only…lol. There are also down right ugly penis’ out there. I am not a huge fan of the ‘uncircumcised’ penis, or what I refer to as ‘the slug’. Like seriously? what’s with all the extra skin? Not that I prefer to only date Jewish men, but thankfully other cultures have jumped on this idea and beautifully sculpted penis can be found all around the world. There is something very esthetically appealing about a nice mushroom cap. For me, finding a good looking penis is just as important as finding a good looking man.
There is also grooming. A big bush is totally 70′s, and trimming is not gay. I prefer a trimmed package as opposed to all this coarse wire like mess. What a lot of men don’t realize is that a good trim gives the optical elusion of a larger package. Personally, I tend to develop a favorite. Once I get used to a pretty penis, all the others just don’t cut it. It is such an important feature, that honestly it needs to be seen prior to any decisions being made for a long term relationship. A lot of guys don’t put that much weight on what their penis looks like, and they conduct themselves as if they have this awesome gift when in actuality it is the ugliest thing since the discovery of the hairless cat.
A good man is hard to find, but finding good dick is even harder.
And oh yea…Dear Coke Can, if you happen to be reading this…uhm…yea…ahhh..oh fuck it I’m a glutton for punishment..call me!!!